impression of depression

Life sucks!! everything's the same! its the same old people and the same old routine, the same old shit day in day out. No, that's not really how I feel. But I've been there. And so have you.

I've had a very privileged life. So have my friends. We all have happy families, we all have well to do families, we never had to want for anything. And yet we all go through a lot of stress and angst and in some cases depression. For years i never really understood this depression business. Life was full of things to do, books to read, movies to watch, addas to be enjoyed, who had time for depression? I always figured you only have so much time on your hands in this world, why waste it on being sad and depressed? what I didn't know was that a lot of the time its something that overwhelms you and you get sucked in. No one wants to be depressed. Its just something we have to go through.

My depressions stem from compromises and love. I have loved several times and I have lost several times. And all those losses have plunged me into depression. I never really realized I was depressed. I accepted the fact that I was sad, I accepted that its something I had to go through and tried to meet life head on. But I didn't really manage it. I took refuge by totally removing myself from society. I disappeared from work for days, I didn't receive phone calls, I simply existed in my room. My room is heaven. and haven. It has a computer, an amplifier, TV, DVD, books, movies, Internet connection, everything I could want. So when I get depressed, I get into my room, don't come out unless I am hungry, and immerse myself in movies, Internet and books. And sleep. Its such a wonderful feeling to doze off from reading a book, wake up, turn on a movie, doze off again, wake up, have food, settle down with the book, doze off, wake up, surf the net, turn on a movie...you get my drift. Its wonderful. Its so wonderful that I just don't feel like getting back to society. Once I was in my room for 5 days before my friends came and dragged me out. They were all very worried because I was bunking office and wasn't returning calls. And everyone was like, "are you depressed? what's wrong?" To which I always answered, no I'm not depressed, I just wasn't feeling well.

I guess I'm lucky that my depression is a way of positively cleansing my soul. Because when I shut myself off in my room, I'm not sad. I genuinely enjoy reading books and watching movies. and sleeping. I love it. I don't think about what's bugging me because nothing is bugging me.

In the last few years I have had to realize that life is one compromise after another. I thought i would always be with my friends, but so many of my closest friends live abroad. I always thought I would establish my band as a spearhead in rock, but its just not the same without my original drummer. So many things i have had to accept. But I'm not sad. I'm not sad because at the end of the day I don't look at these as real problems. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, I work in the best place ever, and I have it better than so many people in the world. So I don't really feel sad when I shut myself in my room. Its just that i get overwhelmed at all the compromises I have had to make and it gets to me. And so I watch movies. read books. Enjoy myself. And live the impression that I'm not depressed.

Follow on

I was one of the crores of people who heaved a sigh of relief and whooped in happiness when the ridiculous caretaker government formed under the leadership of the BNP puppet Iazuddin was dissolved through military intervention and a new more neutral body of advisors was activated. Well its almost been a year now and I'm not sure whether we're still whooping in joy.

As a lot of people have already commented in editorials, talk shows, blogs and addas, the only thing that the CTG government seems to be doing properly, or at least with some success, is apprehend people and put them in jail. That sounds just about right for a government whose orders come from the military, even though apparently the military are not in power. If that is so, then why is it that the only positive this government can show from the last year is arrests? Whatever good they have done, its related to capturing people who were corrupt.

But its not that easy is it? Anyone who has been in Dhaka for a few months will have an idea of how ridiculous the city planning is. Apparently we do have a city planning commission, who take into account the aesthetics as well as the practicalities when commissioning new buildings to be built. Then how do you explain the Rangs building debacle? Why should only rangs pay for the crime of putting up the building on civil property? What about all those vultures in the City planning commission or whatever that organization is called who took fat bribes to allow rangs to go ahead with the building? Its all well and good to apprehend a few, and yes, it really has only been a few, people and make a hue and cry that we're fighting corruption. But have we made any fundamental difference? Are we on our way towards making any fundamental difference? The entire Secretariat Building is full of crooks. The entire Police and judiciary body is full of crooks. Have we, in the course of this one whole year, formulated any sort of plan which looks at how we can either eradicate or correct these problems?

My complain with any government which comes to power in Bangladesh is that you hardly ever see any long term plans. I remember I actually supported the formation of the Rapid Action Battalion. I mistakenly thought that this was a well thought out plan. I made up my own reasons for why we needed the RAB and my reasoning went like this -- The judiciary and police are too politicized and corrupt to hold on to powerful criminals and so we need a short term vaccine, something that will have a more permanent solution in the short term, instead of the endless cycle of crooks being arrested, the police getting a phone call and then releasing them back to the streets. I thought while RAB is permanently dealing with the crooks in the short term, our esteemed government will take this opportunity to re-structure the judiciary and the police force from within so that in a year or two we won't need RAB. For RAB can never be the solution. It can only be the short term adrenaline injection. But of course, who was I kidding? The BNP government, just like the previous AL government, was too happy with the status quo. Because everything still worked as far as the corrupt were concerned. And when everybody's corrupt, then you just shut up and follow.

I fear the reign of the CTG is really not the start of a brand new innings. Its merely another follow on. 

new year evolution

Ahh 2008 is here!! Whoopeee!!! Its time to forget all that went wrong in 2007 because sure as hell there will be a lot that will go wrong in 2008 that you need to make room for in your heart and mind! My first new years night out was at my friend kimu's place in shegun bagicha. Those were the days i didn't smoke, i didn't drink, i was a good boy. Dull, but good. We all went to her place, there was a barbeque on the roof, Kimu's elder brother Miran was busy being an asshole to us (we were 16, he was 19, it was a big deal back then). We hung out, had some fun and i probably returned home. I don't really remember. The next year was i think the '93/94 new years that we all actually bought tickets and went to a party. It happened in old DOHS club and Mrs. Murshed of Scholastica helped finance the tickets. Those were the days when we were all students and we were all poor. Well not all, but at least us guys. We had just had a botched up concert in school (December school fair, Cryptic Fate & Friends) and Ehsan, the ostensible band manager, charged our school principal a hefty bill for the sound equipment and part of that money was used in sponsoring the tickets for the party. Is it any wonder i have such fondness for my old principal? She turned out to be really good to us all the time. For example, when it came time to apply to universities in America, it was her duty to give us recommendations in sealed envelopes. And it was our duty to send the sealed envelopes straight to the universities we were applying to without knowing whats in it. Needless to say, none of us kept them sealed. I opened mine and was thoroughly touched at seeing that i was touted as a boy of character as evidenced by my being a school prefect. I found this especially touching as i was never a school prefect! In later years, i talked to some of my old school teachers and they were all astonished when i mentioned that i was never a prefect, because they all thought i was. Strange. This may explain how i was able to get away with some of the things I got away with.

Anyway, on to the new years party. Ever since 1994 i have been enjoying new year parties every year and i have had only 2 duds. One was the millennium party (fell into a drain) and the other was the '04/05 party (raided by cops). The others have all had their moments of glory. This year was no exception. Most of my friends from London and the States were here and we all went to Radisson. The tickets cost 5000 takas and we all thought it was a bit excessive, although the money was apparently going to charity. However, i got my money's worth. The party hall was done up beautifully in lounge style with low chairs and tables and there was an open bar throughout the night and there was good food as well. The organizers certainly didn't scrimp on the hospitality part. The good atmosphere and the good company negated any irritation i felt at the mediocre party music being played. We danced, talked, laughed, ate, drank and generally engaged in being merry. And when the clock struck 12, we ushered in the new year with lots of hugs, kisses and emotional photographs. It was great to be there at that moment with most of my close friends. And it was then that i decided that this would be the last party i went to alone. Next year i will party hard and my wife will be there with me. It was beautiful to see all my married friends with their wonderful wives and even though i was with people i love i felt alone. And irritated. There was another friend of mine there who is still single and we spent a good 15 minutes bitching about the smug and happy couples surrounding us. About how happy they are, how loving they are, how they automatically act a little superior and mature simply because they're married and we're single. We both decided that we also want to be part of that smug and superior lifestyle and we both took an oath to celebrate the next new year with our spouses.

As is usually the case, this new year is already looking very challenging, both on the professional front and the personal life front. Professionaly, i have to work harder to establish myself and my agency as a creative spearhead in Bangladesh, and personally i have to find a life partner. There is also the little matter o my band. My guitarist Farhan is probably leaving for UK sometime late this year and i want to get another album out before he leaves. I hope i accomplish all the things i want to accomplish this year and i also wish you, whoever is reading this blog, the same.

Happy new year!