Life sucks!! everything's the same! its the same old people and the same old routine, the same old shit day in day out. No, that's not really how I feel. But I've been there. And so have you.
I've had a very privileged life. So have my friends. We all have happy families, we all have well to do families, we never had to want for anything. And yet we all go through a lot of stress and angst and in some cases depression. For years i never really understood this depression business. Life was full of things to do, books to read, movies to watch, addas to be enjoyed, who had time for depression? I always figured you only have so much time on your hands in this world, why waste it on being sad and depressed? what I didn't know was that a lot of the time its something that overwhelms you and you get sucked in. No one wants to be depressed. Its just something we have to go through.
My depressions stem from compromises and love. I have loved several times and I have lost several times. And all those losses have plunged me into depression. I never really realized I was depressed. I accepted the fact that I was sad, I accepted that its something I had to go through and tried to meet life head on. But I didn't really manage it. I took refuge by totally removing myself from society. I disappeared from work for days, I didn't receive phone calls, I simply existed in my room. My room is heaven. and haven. It has a computer, an amplifier, TV, DVD, books, movies, Internet connection, everything I could want. So when I get depressed, I get into my room, don't come out unless I am hungry, and immerse myself in movies, Internet and books. And sleep. Its such a wonderful feeling to doze off from reading a book, wake up, turn on a movie, doze off again, wake up, have food, settle down with the book, doze off, wake up, surf the net, turn on a movie...you get my drift. Its wonderful. Its so wonderful that I just don't feel like getting back to society. Once I was in my room for 5 days before my friends came and dragged me out. They were all very worried because I was bunking office and wasn't returning calls. And everyone was like, "are you depressed? what's wrong?" To which I always answered, no I'm not depressed, I just wasn't feeling well.
I guess I'm lucky that my depression is a way of positively cleansing my soul. Because when I shut myself off in my room, I'm not sad. I genuinely enjoy reading books and watching movies. and sleeping. I love it. I don't think about what's bugging me because nothing is bugging me.
In the last few years I have had to realize that life is one compromise after another. I thought i would always be with my friends, but so many of my closest friends live abroad. I always thought I would establish my band as a spearhead in rock, but its just not the same without my original drummer. So many things i have had to accept. But I'm not sad. I'm not sad because at the end of the day I don't look at these as real problems. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, I work in the best place ever, and I have it better than so many people in the world. So I don't really feel sad when I shut myself in my room. Its just that i get overwhelmed at all the compromises I have had to make and it gets to me. And so I watch movies. read books. Enjoy myself. And live the impression that I'm not depressed.
3 comments:
don't be depressed. all your friends are there for you and will always be there for you. you probably know that but i thought i'd remind you.
i'm not depressed. i just thought i would write about it. turned out to be a lot more shallow than my usual standards of shallowness
don't worry. as king shaka of the zulus, you don't have friends, you only have enemies. you don't have reason to be depressed. and, you'll never have a reason either. king shaka will never run out of enemies.
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